Earlier this evening, in a Moroccan restaurant, I sat very close to a couple on a first date, which didn’t go well. I picked up they met on Tinder, and I guessed he must have used a picture form 1994 in his heyday – the year in which I think she was born.
He was talking about physics and blinding her with science, whilst she nodded and tried to change the subject to raving. They then discussed the menu, which was awkward as they both had Yorkshire palates, so anything tastier than a sausage roll and chip bap was exciting. Funnily, they were bowled over by the tea and couldn’t stop talking about how delicious it was. It was mint tea and cinnamon with water – a combination M&S sell. I reckon their taste buds go on overdrive from the first chew of spearmint gum.
Anyway, the whole date was awkward: lots of longing stares around the room and silences. I could tell she wanted to leave, but like me, she loves dessert, so possibly endured the date for that.
Whilst eating her dessert, one of the buttons on her blouse became undone, so he made her aware by saying: “oh, your top’s open….. nice rack. I’d like that to see them up close.”
It was at that moment that he ended all dreams of getting anything more than a hard pat on the back after a goodbye hug at the end of the date. I wanted to scream: “abort whatever game plan you have, NOW!!!”, but instead I chuckled to myself because I realised he’s the type of guy to sing Elvis’ Lonely in a dimly lit karaoke bar, with a single shot of throat burning Scottish whisky in his hand, with a dried solitary tear on his cheek.
To be fair, they both seemed like lovely people, but they were painfully mismatched. I understand dating is painful, so kudos to everyone who keeps trying. Single or attached, everyone has dating horror stories and I’m sure you wouldn’t wish that on a colleague you dislike.
My worst date was with someone who told me they enjoyed sniffing knickers and couldn’t wait to smell mine one after I had worn them all day.
I just laughed nervously whilst plotting my escape. The whole date was a shambles and I would discuss it, but I think I’ve written enough. One day I’ll write a book with my musings and anecdotes, but until then, take care of yourselves and each other.
As always, apologies for any typos.